Merry Christmas, See You Next Year!

Unfortunately, the list is going to go on hiatus for awhile. The holidays are here, and are presenting new and interesting challenges now that my mother is no longer with us. I am also recovering from having my wisdom teeth removed, still going to physical therapy for my knees, and am getting all of my stuff together for seminary. Hopefully, I’ll be able to start the year out right with a report that I was accepted into the Pastoral Care and Counseling program I’m trying to get into.

I’d like to thank everyone who has been so supportive these past few months. This blog has made a world of difference in my healing process.

Have a very merry Christmas! See you next year.

The List – Part 11

1. Sometimes people need to grow up and sometimes people need to “grow down.” People grow up too fast. Those people need to learn to be children all over again.
2. Sometimes we need to make changes for others as well as for ourselves. Firstly, we must make sure that these changes are in our best interest. Secondly, when we are trying to do better for other people (that we have wronged) we cannot repeat over and over again that we are trying. If the work isn’t being seen then it isn’t working and a new plan needs to be tried. Telling someone you are trying when there is no evidence does a number of negative things. It makes you seem like you are lying, adds an extra pressure to the person because they feel they should “feel better now” and “are part of the problem,” and will distract you from finding new avenues of change. Actions speak louder than words. When you are working to make a change it will be evident. If you really feel that you are trying but others don’t see it, you are probably working too hard at something that isn’t working. Using a spoon to dig a tunnel takes a lot more work than using a shovel, and there is far less done each day.
3. Don’t give up just because something is hard. Work just as hard to improve yourself and your relationships as you do get a raise.
4. Holidays are hard for everyone, especially for people who a grieving. It seems like you are running on empty even when you’re standing still. Just go with the flow and take it as easy as you can.
5. Create opportunities for others but don’t be threatening. Sometimes it is better to open a door for someone than to state at them through the peep hole. It’s up to others what they do with an open door.

Christian readers, make sure to check the scripture link at the top of the page for related Bible verses.

No List This Week

Sorry everyone, no list this week. With Thanksgiving and the beginning of the Christmas season, things have gotten a little hectic. I went from being two weeks ahead of the list to a week behind (thank you, Thanksgiving). Be prepared for a new list next week.

The List – Part 10

1. Stop making so many promises! If you can’t keep a promise, just don’t make it. Many people feel the need to please people in order to increase their self-worth. People-pleasers often make promises (remember a promise includes saying you’ll do or not do something even if you don’t say “I promise”) they just cannot keep. The people who try to keep too many promises often burn out by stretching themselves too thin. If you find yourself letting people down often, working too long, or just feel like you have no time, stop and think. Ask yourself, “When/how/why did I agree to this?”  Keep reflecting this way and recognize that you have a tendency to make promises you can’t keep.  Try to stop yourself before you make those promises. Don’t succumb to peer pressure. You are a worthwhile individual; you don’t need to buy love with promises and actions. (Special thanks to dmtorbi from http://acoarecovery.wordpress.com/ for bringing up this point on The List – Part 7)
2. Many people who give great advice make the same mistakes they are advising against. Why? It is easier to see other people beginning a mistake than it to see yourself making a mistake (until it’s too late, then it becomes all too clear). How do you combat this? Give yourself advice. Pretend that you are talking to someone else experiencing all the same things you are. You even have the advantage of knowing all the players, the back-story, the scene… everything. Advise yourself like you would advise your closest friend; then follow your own advice. Don’t be afraid to talk to yourself. You’ll still make mistakes, but you’ll avoid a lot of them.
3. Do not force competition on others, for affection or anything else. Like every sitcom where two friends are trying to get something (usually an extra concert ticket) from a friend, this ends in disaster (and then resolution at the end of the episode… unfortunately life doesn’t work that way). At first, the people you are forcing to compete will lavish you with attention because they want to win, or, at the very least, not lose. Eventually this backfires and everyone is left hurt, angry, and alone. Especially do not make your friends or significant other compete with your family. They can’t win, they know they can’t win, they will perpetually feel abandoned, and eventually they will return the favor.
4. To shamelessly steal from a church sign, “If you want peace, don’t just talk to your friends; talk to your enemies.”
5. Sometimes what is seen as being rude is really something entirely different. Give people the benefit of the doubt. [See anecdote: “Rudeness,” Judgment & The Twitch]

Christian readers, make sure to check the scripture link at the top of the page for related Bible verses.

The List – Part 9

1. Be tempered. Allow the fires and strife of life to strengthen you. Do not suppress your emotions or allow yourself to be controlled by them. Instead, recognize and channel your emotions into productivity. Take heart in knowing that once you have made it through the worst parts smaller troubles will be noticeably smaller.
2. Study your mistakes, not to abuse yourself with guilt, but to learn the lessons that are intended. Learning from your mistakes is not something that just happens, it takes time and dedication. Life is one big series of tests. In the long run, answering a few problems incorrectly can teach you how to answer future problems correctly… if you take the time to learn.
3. Learn to bide your time. Many times we want things so badly that we want to skip ahead to the punch. Learn that just because you’re ready doesn’t mean the rest of the world is ready. Often you will find, only too late, that you weren’t ready either.
4. Take a lesson from 12 Step programs (AA, Al-anon, NA, SAA, etc.) and start making amends. Part of every 12 Step tradition is to make a list of the people you have wronged and, at the very least, make an apology for the harm you’ve done. Don’t make amends if it will cause more harm to the person you wronged, but if there is any way to make things better between you do it. You’ll feel better, they’ll feel better, and everyone can move on.
5. Develop a future “happy place.” See yourself as you want to be. Most of all, see yourself as being happy. Whenever you get too stressed by the world, go to your future happy place. Be willing to change your happy place as the world around you changes and as you change. Your happy place should be flexible because we live in an unpredictable world, but it should always focus on your happiness and the better you that you want to be.

Christian readers, make sure to check the scripture link at the top of the page for related Bible verses.

“Rudeness,” Judgment, & The Twitch.

I haven’t written any anecdotes yet, but I felt this one had to be written.

Today I had an off day. Off days for me are a little more dramatic than off days for most people. You see, I have what is believed to be a low grade case of Tourette’s. I twitch and I squeak and I have very little control over it. Fortunately for me, it only becomes apparent when I’m having off days. I have twitches everyday but it’s only on those really off days when my brain is trying to recover from something that anyone else can tell.

Yesterday I subbed for the first time. It was an experience. Today I was trying to do computer repairs for a friend, something I’m usually really good at, but I couldn’t focus and now I have to go back tomorrow. I made silly mistakes in choir practice, something that is particularly bad because I have a solo on Sunday. I haven’t eaten very well today and I had more coffee than I should. Basically my brain chemicals are all out of whack and so, the twitching and tic-ing begins.

Naturally, the twitching started when the people singing behind me sang a wrong note. The woman next to me thought I was shuddering. She didn’t mind, but then again she wasn’t part of the section behind me. I explained to her my situation so that at least one person didn’t think I was just being rude. I could feel the vocal tic getting caught in my throat. I suppressed it until practice was over and I was in the parking lot. One thing people don’t realize is that it is possible to suppress a tic… but it just comes back worse later and it is uncomfortable to do. It’s like holding in a sneeze.

I’m sure I looked angry the whole practice. I might have seemed a little snippier too but it was only because I was trying to avoid screeching. I’m sure at least one person questioned why I would shudder at someone else’s bad note when my own solos were so poor, or, at the very least, what was making me jump like that.

I do have a moral to this story: “Rudeness” just might be someone trying not to make a scene.

Related scripture thought: Matthew 7:1-2 (emphasis on 2)

The List – Part 8

1. Sometimes we lash out at people who aren’t there. This doesn’t just happen verbally with shouting matches but with actions. “My ex-boyfriend hated when I did this so I stopped… now that we’re apart, I’m going to do it so that whole world can see!” People who do this see it as a new found freedom. Sometimes, in a controlling relationship, there are new freedoms that come from leaving, but people in those relationships are more likely to be hesitant when the freedom arrives. The person in our example is doing the action to hurt the other… who isn’t there. It’s true that the ex-boyfriend in this scenario might be hurt by his ex’s actions if he found out, but his ex is more likely to be hurt by their own actions, physically, socially, and emotionally when the expected response never happens.
2. You cannot give what you do not have. If you don’t have the feeling of being loved, you cannot make people feel loved. If you don’t have emotional support you cannot give emotional support. If you do not understand you cannot give understanding. Give what you do have and others will give you what they have. Learn to take those gifts and give them back to others. When you do this, the gifts will multiply and you will have more than you ever had before. Do not expect this from other people because it is difficult to regift those things we do not have in abundance. 
3. Learn and recognize that sometimes people just don’t know what to say. This is often a blessing in disguise. If your friend is suffering but you don’t know what to say because you’ve never experienced a similar situation, you should be happy that you have never been put in that situation. A true friend will not wish their pain upon you. The best thing to do when you find yourself in this situation is remain honest. Tell them that you don’t know what they are going through but that you want to be there for them. Then, be there for them. Listen to them. Don’t interject with hollow words that you think are appropriate. Hurts happen when we guess. Be sincere, listen, follow through on promises, don’t take actions that hurt if you can avoid it, and understand that you are not capable of removing the whole of the hurt by yourself.
4. Your work is not dependant on the works of other people. It is true that we do many things based on what other people do. Peer pressure, knee jerk responses, revenge and retribution, grief, annoyance, and countless other factors of influence give rise to our actions. The important thing to remember is that a choice you make, regardless of what pressured you to make it, is still a choice that you make. If you chose to abstain from something but are pressured into partaking, you’ve still partaken. If you’ve made a commitment to better yourself but the people around you chose not to work on themselves you are still responsible for your own self-betterment. In the business world it is not ok to simply say, “So-and-so didn’t send me the paperwork so I didn’t do it.” In all aspects of life you must take the initiative to make your own choices and do whatever is necessary to achieve your goals.
5. Find and celebrate the small miracles around you every day.

Christian readers, make sure to check the scripture link at the top of the page for related Bible verses.